On The Moon
by Michael Moore, December 8, 2003
it's going on two weeks now since your surprise visit to one of
the two countries you now run and, I have to say, I'm still warmed
by the gesture. Man, take me along next time! I understand only
13 members of the media went with you -- and it turns out only
ONE of them was an actual reporter for a newspaper. But you did
take along FIVE photographers (hey, I get it, screw the words,
it's all about the pictures!), a couple wire service guys, and
a crew from the Fox News Channel (fair and balanced!).
I read in the paper this weekend that that big turkey you were
holding in Baghdad (you know, the picture that's supposed to replace
the now-embarrassing footage of you on that aircraft carrier with
the sign "Mission Accomplished") -- well, it turns out
that big, beautiful turkey of yours was never eaten by the troops!
It wasn't eaten by anyone! That's because it wasn't real! It was
a STUNT turkey, brought in to look like a real edible turkey for
all those great camera angles.
I know some people will say you are into props (like the one in
the lower extremities of your flyboy suit), but hey, I get it,
this is theater! So what if it was a bogus turkey? The whole trip
was bogus, all staged to look like "news." The fake
honey glaze on that bird wasn't much different from the fake honey
glaze that covers this war. And the fake stuffing in the fake
bird was just the right symbol for our country during these times.
America loves fake honey glaze, it loves to be stuffed, and, dammit,
YOU knew that -- that's what makes you so in touch with the people
was also a good idea that you made the "press" on that
trip to Baghdad pull the shades down on the plane. No one in the
media entourage complained. They like the shades pulled and they
like to be kept in the dark. It's more fun that way. And, when
you made them take the batteries out of their cell phones so they
wouldn't be able to call anyone, and they dutifully complied --
that was genius! I think if you had told them to put their hands
on their heads and touch their noses with their tongues, they
would have done that, too! That's how much they like you. You
could have played "Simon Says" the whole way over there.
It wouldn't have been that much different from "Karl Says,"
a game they LOVE to play every day with Mr. Rove.
if you're planning any surprises for Christmas, don't forget to
include me. When I heard last week that you wanted to send a man
back to the moon, I thought, get the fake goose ready -- that's
where ol' George is going for the holidays! I don't blame you,
what with nearly 3 million jobs disappeared, and a $281 billion
surplus disappeared, and the USA stuck in a war that will never
end -- who wouldn't want to go to the moon! This time, take ALL
the media with you! Embed them on the moon! They'll love it there!
It looks just like Crawford! You can golf on the moon, too. You'll
have so much fun up there, you might not want to come back. Better
take Cheney with you, too. Pretend it's a medical experiment or
something. "That's one small step for man, one giant leap
for every American who's sick and tired of all this crap."
in China Boxes Covered Up to Read Made in U.S.A